God didn't appreciate His ark being held by the Philistines so He struck the townsfolk of Ashod with hemorrhoids and bubonic plague.

The people became really sick and started to develop very sore tumors on their bodies, particularly in their unmentionable parts, by which I mean their anuses, penises, and vaginas. People started dying all over town with really gross looking corpses lying in the street. And those that weren’t dead were holding their groins and their backsides to try and cope with the pain. One young boy looked up at his mother and asked, “Mummy? Why is my bottom bleeding?” And his mother answered, “Because the men captured something belonging to the Israelites and their god decided to strike us all on the bum for it, sweetie."

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